Breathe In Read online

  The man is still there but he’s staring at me again. I take in the details of his appearance. His hair is dirty blond, thin, and combed over strictly to the right. He’s tall, maybe six feet two inches, and his frame is lean. His clothes are clean and neat, but he emanates a creepy vibe. His thin lips spread into a partial grin. I offer a brief smile and scurry toward the door.

  “Excuse me, Miss?”

  With my hand outstretched, grasping the door handle, I pause. “Yes?” I want to get inside where it’s warm and dry.

  “Can you tell me the best place to get a bite to eat? I’m new to the area and don’t quite know my way around.”

  I point down the street, northbound. “Yeah, if you go two blocks down and turn left on Clover, you’ll find an Irish pub. They serve breakfast all day and their hot sandwiches are delicious. Other than that, you won’t find anything for another seven or eight blocks. Once you’ve made it that far, there’s countless options.”

  His smile widens, revealing straight but slightly yellowed teeth. “Thanks. I appreciate it. Hey, do you work here? At the library?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Do you live around here?”

  Why is he asking me this? It seems an odd question to ask a stranger.

  He waves his hand with a flick of the wrist. “Sorry. I’m not trying to pry. Just curious about the locals, you know. I’ll see you around.”

  He turns and saunters down the stairs.

  ***

  We’re standing in line outside the front door of Club 530. I yank at the hem of my skirt as it clings to my bare thighs. “Whose idea was it to name the club after its address? Doesn’t seem all that creative, if you ask me.”

  Standing directly in front of me, gawking at the crowd ahead of us, Terin spins around. “Oh, quit your bitchin’. Who cares what they named the bar as long as they make stiff drinks, play good music, and we have a good time?” She reaches down and hikes my skirt back up another two inches. “And quit pulling this thing down. It’s a mini-skirt. It’s supposed to show some leg. And you have long, gorgeous legs, so show ’em off, girl. Rock it if you got it. That’s what I say.”

  I clutch my handbag tighter to keep from pulling the skirt down. “I wish they’d let us in already. It’s not exactly warm out here.” Terin’s brows furrow with disappointment. I quickly add, “But at least it’s not raining.” I really am being a Debbie Downer tonight. I need to knock it off and make the best of the evening. I’m here whether I like it or not.

  “They’ll let us in soon. We’re in the VIP line. Hey, look at it this way, at least we’re not in that line. They’ll be out here for another hour at best.”

  I turn and scan the second line. She’s not kidding. It spans the length of the sidewalk alongside the front of the building then wraps around the corner. My heart thuds in my chest when I spot a familiar face down by the corner, in the same line we’re in.

  Tom.

  She must have seen him at the same time. “Crap. What is that asshole doing here?” Silent, I shrug, but keep my eyes fixed on him. He looks handsome, dressed in designer jeans and a button-up shirt, untucked. As if sensing me, he turns and locks gazes. First, his expression is flat, unreadable. Then his strong features slowly melt into a toothy grin. That smile. My knees tremble. He’s smiling at me. Without thinking, I smile back.

  Stop. Texting. Me.

  Those words slam into my brain and my smile fades as I relive that day in front of his home. I steer my gaze away and force myself to turn around. I refuse to look back in that direction.

  Terin wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Don’t let him get to you. Besides, you can do way better than him. He’s too old for you. Just look at him, all dressed up looking like he’s trying to be our age when we both know he’s got at least a decade on us. Kind of creepy, if you ask me. Oh, hey! That reminds me.” She grabs both my shoulders and her eyes widen as if she has suddenly remembered some juicy gossip. With Tom only about twenty yards behind me, I’m in no mood for trite banter.

  “Did you hear on the news today that the authorities are saying they found the body of that woman who went missing a few months ago?”

  I blink and stare stupidly into her face.

  “Remember? Sheila Weaverton? The young gal up around the Bellingham area, the student who went missing late June, just before finals?”

  I shake my head, finally catching up with the sudden change in conversation. “Yeah. Of course I remember her. She’s the one they found that snuff film on. They were still looking for the body last I knew. How could I forget? The whole country knows. That stuff is frightening. Gives me the heebie-jeebies. Wait. Why are we talking about this? They found her?”

  Terin’s expression is mixed with fascination and horror. “Yeah, they found her just outside of Blaine, down by a river right before the Canadian border. I can’t even think of that whole thing without getting the chills. I mean, can you imagine what that woman went through? And can you believe there’s people in this world who watch stuff like that? What in the hell is wrong with people?”

  I suppress a shiver. “I don’t know. When it leaked on the internet it disgusted me how many people immediately watched it. Granted, they pulled the video pretty quickly, so it was only up for a day, but still, why…how…could anyone want to see some woman murdered for entertainment? It’s just like when people watch beheadings from the Middle East. I don’t get it.”

  Terin shakes her head. Her face pales even under the streetlights. “I had never even heard of a snuff film until all this happened.”

  “Me either.” A wave of anxiety washes over me. This story. This night. Everything, has me on edge. I don’t even want to be here. “Hey, can we change the subject? I don’t want to think about any of that right now. I don’t really want to think of anything, to be honest.”

  Terin closes her eyes and gives one quick shake of the head. When she opens her eyes again she’s smiling. “You’re totally right! We’re here to shake off the week and have a good time. Right?”

  I nod. “Right.” The conversation has left me raw and uncomfortable in my own skin. My dress suddenly feels too revealing. I shouldn’t be here. I think of Tom standing behind me and it takes everything I have not to steal another glance in his direction. Finally, the doors open and our line slowly files inside.

  Music pumps in bellowing waves that reverberate throughout my body. Too loud. Much louder than it needs to be. People stand around in small cliques, waiting for the next flirtation, the next heartache. My thoughts are toxic. I chew on a fingernail and contemplate excuses to leave.

  “Tessa?”

  I recognize Gerald’s voice from behind me, and by the look on Terin’s face, I see that I’m right. I give her the I can’t believe this crap look before I turn and offer him a plastic smile. “Hey, how are you?”

  He’s dressed in a polo shirt and jeans, and actually looks almost handsome but a little out of place in this environment. “I’m good. Just checking out the new place. One of my friends works here and got me in early. Cool, right?”

  I nod my head, glancing around. For some reason, I’m terrified that Tom will see me talking with Gerald. “Yeah, pretty cool.” I don’t know what else to say so I stand there looking like an idiot.

  Terin grabs me by the elbow. “Hey, Gerald. Good to see you. I’m gonna steer this girl toward the bar, but maybe we’ll catch up with ya later.” Without waiting, she puts pressure on my arm and actually steers me away from Gerald, just as she said.

  Gerald frowns. “Oh, okay, but maybe I’ll buy you a drink later. Huh?”

  I glance over my shoulder, raising my voice over the music. “Later. Yeah, later.”

  I turn and we scurry away. “Oh, thank God. I owe you, Terin. You saved the day back there.”

  She smirks smugly. “Yeah, yeah, what’s new?”

  I pause. “Wait, no. That’s not right. I don’t owe you. This is your fault. I shouldn’t be here. It seems anyone and everyone I don’t want
to see tonight is right here in this damn bar. I mean, what are the chances of that?”

  The flat look on her face tells me she doesn’t give a damn.

  “Never mind.” I lure her to the bar. “I need a drink. Now.”

  “’Atta girl. Here, I’ll get the first round.”

  She aggressively pushes past a small group of young, lascivious women. They’re giggling and tossing their hair around. Even in this dark atmosphere I see their thick makeup and recognize their pathetic desperation. Is this what I look like? Self-conscious, I yank my skirt down. She orders two Adios Motherfuckers. We’ll be drunk in no time. I’m shooting for a mix of numb and fearless.

  While the bartender mixes our drinks, I glance down the length of the bar. At the far end, another face stands out among the crowd. I blink repeatedly, trying to place it. Half a minute passes as I scroll through my memory bank. That’s it. The man in front of the library the day before, the smoker. He’s staring at me. Another man stands next to him, his attention focused on one of the other bartenders. A chill runs up my spine. He smiles but I don’t smile back this time. I turn toward Terin just as she hands over my drink. There is an odd feeling to the evening already. Terin was right, this bar is the hottest new thing on this end of town.

  “Bottoms up.” She takes a long pull of the blue concoction through her straw. I follow suit. Tequila overpowers all other flavors, even the blue curacao. Tequila, take me away.

  A little while later, my lips tingle nicely and the perfect amount of I don’t care ensconces my body. Stress and shame melt away. My best friend drags me to the dance floor and I let her. My hair feels longer than usual since I straightened it for the evening. I feel it swing below my shoulder blades while we sway and gyrate to the beat. I feel almost sexy…an unusual feeling for me.

  I sense him seconds before he places a hand on my shoulder. I turn and look up into Tom’s face. He’s smiling down like a Cheshire cat. I blink, then give in and flash him a quick smile, while keeping up with the pumping music, though I’m utterly confused. He leans down to my ear and yells, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

  I shrug.

  His hand snakes out and touches the ends of my hair. “I always liked your hair like this. Straight and silky, rather than your unruly curls. Gives you more of a sophisticated look. You look stunning.”

  His attempt at a compliment offends me. I’ve always been a little sensitive about my naturally curly auburn hair. Over the years I’ve learned to appreciate it. They’re easy to work with, not kinky or anything like that. But still, I get a little defensive about them.

  Terin spins me around. “You want me to get rid of him?”

  I should probably say yes. I should definitely say yes. “No. It’s okay. He’s not hurting anything.” I suck down the last of my drink.

  “It’s okay,” Tom says. “I was just saying hi anyway. We’ll chat again later.” He offers a devilish smile with full eye contact before he walks away.

  I take a deep breath. Gain composure. “Hey, I’m going to get us another round. Stay here.”

  Without looking back, I stroll off the dance floor and head to the bar. Tom’s behavior confuses me. He shoved me out of his life and now he’s flirting with me like nothing happened. Pressing up against the tall wood frame of the bar, I order two of the same. Seconds later, Tom sneaks up next to me and presses his hip to mine. I recognize his form instantly. Heat rises from my toes to my brain. It’s way too hot in here.

  He doesn’t look at me until after he orders a scotch. Then he gently places a warm hand to the small of my back and leans down. His lips graze my ear, sending shivers up my spine. I want to lean into him but I don’t.

  “I’ve missed you. Save me a dance later.” He pulls away and pays the bartender before walking away. Sleek. Very sleek. I hate him. I hate myself more for wanting to dance with him.

  Less than an hour later, I’m dizzy and sweaty. I feel…elated because I’m actually having fun. To be honest, I’m high on anticipation, waiting for that dance with Tom. Terin has wandered off to the restroom and I suspect she may actually be making out in a corner somewhere with the guy she’s been bumping and grinding with since we got here. A little breathless, I decide to sit out the next song and meander to the side of the room, away from the dance floor. Thankfully, I have not seen Gerald again.

  Tom intervenes from out of nowhere, wrapping an arm around my waist and steering me toward the back door. Senses skewed, I’m slow to react. My head swoons as I tip my chin up. “Where are we g-going?” I slur.

  “Thought you might need some fresh air.” His voice is smooth and comforting but his face blurs in and out of focus. I wish I hadn’t had that third drink. It’s not until we’re out in the back alley that I try to pull myself together. The fresh, cold air pricks my skin and helps clear my senses. A little.

  He pulls me around the corner and pushes me against the cold, brick wall. His lips are on mine, his tongue pushes through and dances across my teeth. I part my mouth and he kisses me desperately. I drink him up. Does he still have feelings for me? Maybe he regrets pushing me out of his life so harshly.

  One hand gropes my right breast, the other hand slides up under my skirt. I’ve never let a man kiss me like this out in public. I kind of like it but I feel self-conscious too.

  “Tom, wait. Someone will see,” I say between kisses.

  He pulls back, looks left, then right down the alleyway. “Come on, then. My car is right around the corner.” Without waiting for a response, he bolts to the right, dragging me along behind. Things are happening too fast. I want to clear my head. But it all feels so good too.

  As we approach his BMW, he reaches into his jeans pocket, whips out the keys, and hits the unlock button. Instead of opening the front passenger door, he opens the back door. “Get in.”

  I hesitate. A flash of anger passes over his features. I don’t want to upset him, so I quickly slide into the backseat. Tom sinks into the seat next to me and slams the door behind him. His lips crush over mine once again. His hand runs up my right calf to my knee, and then up the inside of my inner thigh. Butterflies flutter low in my abdomen. I want this but I don’t know what it means. Tom broke up with me a week ago, and it wasn’t even a gentle breakup. It was brutal. My thoughts are muddled. His fingers slip under my panties and slide inside me. A guttural gasp escapes my lips and my hips thrust upward to allow him in further. My body is not my own.

  His lips stray down my neck, trailing wet kisses. “Yes, sweet Tess. I’ve not seen this side of you. I like it.”

  I’m not sure I like it. My back arches and I tip my head back as he explores my body. The world is spinning and I’m beginning to feel sick to my stomach. My ears ring loudly. Sensations, good and bad, mix inextricably.

  Then his hand is on the back of my head, shoving me down. What is happening? He fumbles for his zipper, then his cock juts out. His fingers twist in my hair, pulling at the roots, and tears spring to my eyes. Before I can complain, he shoves me down, and without thinking I open my mouth to take him in. Up and down, he guides my rhythm until he is pumping harder and harder into my mouth. Tears slide down my cheeks. This is not what I want to be doing. Bile rises into my throat and I gag.

  His grip tightens in my hair and his hips pause briefly. “Don’t you dare throw up.” He gives my head a little shake. I cry out.

  “Do you hear me?”

  I nod my head but I’m sobbing uncontrollably. I can’t see anything but his lap and the floorboard because he still has my head held tightly in his grasp.

  “Good. Now, you can’t just leave me like this. You got me all worked up. You gotta finish what you started.”

  Pain spreads across the back of my skull as he twists a little tighter to guide me back to where he wants me. Like a good girl, I open wide and let him abuse my mouth until he is finished. My eyes squeeze tight as I focus on not puking. I’m trying not to think, but relentless, ugly thoughts crop up anyway. How did I get here? Why is he d
oing this? This is what I get for being a stupid girl.

  Gag. Breathe in. Breathe out.

  His legs tense up. He’s getting close.

  He never treated me like this before. He wasn’t exactly sweet, but he was never like this. Or was he and I was just too blind to see it? I’m so stupid.

  His legs stiffen, his hips thrust higher while he clenches his buttocks. His grip tightens unforgivingly in my hair. Warm, salty, thick liquid spurts into my mouth. As soon as his body begins to relax, I sit up and slide back as far away from him as I can get, pressing my back against the opposite door. I wipe my mouth and gag.

  “Why? What’s wrong with you? You didn’t have to be so rough,” I cry.

  His expression is a mix of mild amusement and disgust as he zips up his pants, then reaches across my body, and with a flick of the wrist opens the door. “Get out.”

  I’m stunned. He’s acting as if I’m the one who committed an offense.

  “Stop staring at me with that stupid Tessa blank stare. I said, get the fuck out of my car.”

  Something more insidious than guilt or embarrassment engulfs me. I’ve felt both of those frequently in my life. This is shame all the way to my core. I’m crying so hard now I can hardly make out the features of his face. Scrambling like a rag doll, I stagger out of the car and nearly fall on my face when my left ankle turns inward, just like it did in front of his home the week before. I stumble and catch myself. Beyond humiliated, I want nothing more than to hide. As soon as I’m upright, I break into a run. I’m in heels, so I stagger-step multiple times, but I’m determined to get anywhere but right here.

  Blindly, I run across the lot. As I round the corner, I run smack into someone as they are coming the opposite direction.

  “Tessa? Are you okay?”

  I glance up through the stream of tears to see a blurry image of Gerald. “No, no. I just want to go home.” I push off his chest and stumble backward, then turn and flee the opposite direction without saying a word, ignoring Gerald’s plea of confusion as the distance between us widens. I pray he won’t follow. I just want to get away from this place.